5 months (a little late) and the holiday season

Well, I guess it's an official "mom move" to miss the monthly birthday at some point right? I thought about posting on Milo's 5 month birthday, but between swimming lessons, a busy week of work, and Thanksgiving it had to wait... 

To be completely honest, this month has been one of the hardest yet. I think that with my body physically healing, the shock has worn off and now my heart is so raw and broken. It feels so heavy. There are days where I am just trying to get through without completely breaking down, and other days where there's it's just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. We took Ryleigh to see "Wicked: For Good" last weekend, and as they were singing "For Good" the lyrics hit me SO much differently than the many, many times I've listened to the soundtrack. The verses are equally applicable, but the chorus truly resonates with me in a new profound way.  

"Like a comet pulled from orbit, As it passes a Sun, Like a stream that meets a boulder, Halfway through the wood, Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

If you are unfamiliar with the musical, the song is stating that Elphaba and Glinda's friendship will forever impact who they are. However, I couldn't help but feel how true it is being a mom of an angel baby, because I'm not sure I've been changed for the better, but I can confidently say I've been changed "For Good." 

With the holidays coming up, there are new waves of grief that are hitting.. Remembering how we found out we were pregnant with you on the day of Downtown Trick or Treating. How we announced your pregnancy with an ultrasound on the wall at my family Thanksgiving. How we announced your pregnancy with your dad's family at Christmas with Big Sis and Big Bro sweaters. You were the best Christmas present we could've given your siblings. I am so in awe of how proud they are to be your big brother and sister. They talk about you almost daily. Oliver LOVES to point out photos of you in our house and say "THAT'S MILO!" with such excitement, it's like he's never seen the photo before. Ryleigh loves to talk about our family and makes sure to include you any chance she can. At Shop Small downtown last weekend, she told Santa that she was shopping with her brothers Ollie and Milo. 

In the last couple weeks, your Milo Bear came in the mail from Phoenix Bears. It truly was such a blessing. I cannot believe how much my heart craved that sensory input of holding your weight again. Immediately, I burst into tears. My heart so desperately needed that. Ry was worried because I was crying, and we reassured her it felt good to "hold you" again. She then held the bear and she loves holding it just as much as I do, I think. She continues to want to hold it, and so eagerly shared it with her cousins when we hosted Thanksgiving this past week. 

Our 7lb 15oz Milo Bear 💛

Ironically, the day we got our Milo Bear, we also got to see the Northern Lights that night. I'm going to take that beautifully painted sky as a little hello from the other side. 

The last big thing that happened this week, was on Thanksgiving we came to visit your "Special Spot" as we call it, and were so pleasantly surprised to see your headstone was in! Oliver was sure to bring his trucks out to play with you too. We really love how it tells your story. 

Photo Courtesy of Ryleigh

While this holiday season was supposed to look so much different, we are trying to incorporate you into our lives as much as possible. We are surrounded by such a beautiful village that continues to talk about you, honor you, and support our family in ways we didn't even know we needed it. We truly are blessed with the best people in our lives. 

In the coming weeks, I am hoping to spend more time doing the grief work I had hoped to do over the summer, but really need to prioritize it and do the hard things I think I've subconsciously been avoiding. I'm grateful for therapy that also makes me some time into the grief work, even if I'm not getting as much work done at home as I'd like. I need to continue to remind myself, one step at a time.

If you're reading this, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season filled with love, and memory-making. While we have a huge hole in our hearts this holiday season, we are going to try to make sure ours is filled with love and memories too. 🎄
 


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