Four Months Old

With each blog post, comes a tracker that tells you how many people have read your post. With each post/update prior to Milo's arrival, we were tracking in the 200-300 range. When Milo was born, that post had over 1,000 views, and since that day, it has slowly dwindled down. My last post had 23 views. My writing has never been about the numbers by any means, but rather to share Milo's story. And while I'm down to so few continuing to follow our story, I keep going back and forth on whether to continue sharing our journey. But my hope is, that because I continue to share our story, that maybe a parent who finds themselves in a similar journey might stumble across our story and feel less alone. 

Milo, it's been 4 months since you made your way earthside. I can nearly replay every moment of the day. The laughter, the hope, the tears of joy. When I think back to the day of your birth, one thing I don't recall is feeling anxious. This is strange to me, because I was so anxious in the days leading up to your birth, but that day I think I just leaned into what was next. 

The day of your birth is one I relive over and over. My only regret that day, is that we didn't record any videos of you. I so wish I could replay those moments where we were overjoyed that you had made it to us. 

I watched a video the other day of another mom sharing about what it's like to be a mother of an angel baby and how they are intertwined in your everyday, and she was so right in everything she said. We think of our babies ALL the time. It's not just sitting around crying and missing them (though that happens a lot too), but when little things happen and it reminds you of your baby. For example, today Ryleigh requested to go to the "hippo park" and so we did. As Ry and I were walking around the park, two butterflies flew around us. Then as our whole family was leaving there were multiple yellow butterflies flying around us, and a dragonfly flew past. Josh and I looked at each other and both agreed we took that as our "hello." 

There are many other ways I find you popping up in my mind. Reading a story about a greek goddess losing her child, seeing the name Milo on the PBSKids website, hearing the name Milo called out, stumbling across Ry and O's "Big Brother" and "Big Sister" sweaters, and so much more. Being a mom of an angel baby, is still being a mom. Our love continues to overflow, and we try to find a place for it to go. 

This month, we had some exciting things happen. The biggest one is, that Milo made his debut in his first Born Abel book! The book is Born Abel: One in a Million--Unicorns Club. We bought Ryleigh and Oliver each their own copy. They were SO excited to see Milo in the book. Second thing, we nominated the Wausau NICU with the Born Abel Organization and they were selected, so in the coming weeks, we are hoping to head back up to Wausau to hand-deliver 10 Born Abel books to donate to the NICU. When I look back at our birth and afterwards, it was truly the NICU team that made our experience the best that it could be (given the circumstances). Third, Milo's headstone should be done soon, if it isn't already, and will hopefully be installed in the coming weeks. 

This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, so I've been making a point of talking about Milo in any opportunities that I can. I think having those opportunities has been one of the reasons I'm as "okay" as I am. I want to keep his story alive, and plan to do just that. 

We celebrated Milo's life today by spending time outside, stopping to visit him at the cemetery (which ended up with a surprise visit from Auntie Stacy and Uncle Lee too), and then we went to Ihop for dinner and wound down for bed. It was a beautiful fall day, and I could just feel Milo with us today more than I have before. 

If you're still following our story, thank you. We are so grateful for our loving village through it all. 

Milo, we miss you more than words will ever describe. We are sending all our love to the skies. <3