3 Months

 As I sat here trying to decide if I should do a blog post, I went back and forth on whether I should do a 3 month milestone picture. My rational "thinking" brain (in teacher talk) said something along the lines of "Why? It's not like it has changed from the last two." But my "feeling" brain is saying, "Take the milestone picture." It's incredibly exhausting how your thoughts can feel like the little angel and devil on your shoulder that's often depicted in movies. And frankly, you can't get either of them to shut up. 

This last month has been one of the hardest ones yet. Josh and I started back to work, which resulted in changes in routine, a lot of chaos and stress, and the heavy realization in my heart that I was supposed to be on maternity leave. 

The first week back was absolutely draining for me. I found myself emotional over little things (like the copier being used) or struggling to stay focused during meetings that were important. My anxiety crept up as well, as we have a new curriculum this year and trying to find balance between it all has felt impossible. I'm trying to extend myself the grace I would give another person, but it's so hard when you're wanting to keep up with the pace, and your brain is recovering from physical trauma, emotional trauma, and the mental load of caring for yourself, tiny humans at home, and many other tiny humans at school.  

The change of routine impacted the kids as well. They were not their typical selves at daycare, but thankfully that has leveled out for the most part. Ryleigh truly is such a deeply feeling kiddo so we definitely try to find a balance of what she sees/hears, but she's also very perceptive and picks up on things that you may be trying to hide. 

Today, we stopped out to "Milo's Special Spot" as we call it. We were there for a little while, and then a storm started, so we went to "Dairy Princess" (Dairy Queen) as Ryleigh now calls it, and celebrated our boy with some ice cream. 

It feels surreal that it was three months ago at this moment that Milo was earthside, and trying so hard to live. My heart and brain still don't believe it happened most days, and that it feels like someone else's story or a bad dream. But then, when I really let it sink in, and accept that this was our reality, it really sucks. 

Today someone asked me how I was doing, to which I replied my standard "Alright." This is a step down from my former "Good" default response, but it's also inaccurate. I realized, that even saying, "I'm alright" is a lie. I'm trying to figure out how to embrace my grief and my feelings without masking them, but also while trying to continue showing up for all the things I have to every day. I'm not sure I'll ever figure this out, but I'm going to keep trying. 

Next month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We have ordered a yard sign to put out in honor of Milo. It's a fundraiser through an organization called Phoenix Bears. We were the lucky winners of a Phoenix Bear through a giveaway in the Born Abel organization in honor of Theo's Angelversary. Theo was another little guy with Trisomy 13. The Phoenix Bear will go with our "Born Abel Teddy Bear Hugs" book and will be weighted to Milo's birth weight. 

If you're interested in a yard sign for next month to honor Milo, or any babies lost, you can find more information here.

Thank you for all the love and support you've given our family through this time. Our journey with grief will be never-ending, but the support we've received has been such a blessing through all of it. We appreciate each and every one of you more than words could express. 

Please keep talking about our boy. Telling his story and the ripples he made in his short life will keep him alive in so many other ways, and my heart needs that.