2 Months Old

 

Milo James, today you'd be two months old. We should be celebrating milestones like you holding your head up and becoming more aware of your surroundings. Instead, we spent part of the day choosing fonts for your headstone. 

In this past month, we've found more of our groove again. Your siblings keep us busy, in a much needed way. We celebrated Oliver's 2nd birthday. We've had lots of adventures, granted we would have loved to have you with us. We've smiled every time we see a monarch or dragonfly, and said "Hi Milo!" We've visited your grave many times. Ry and O had a blast the last time we visited. We blew you bubbles, Ryleigh whispered words for only you to hear, and Oliver is starting to talk about you and say your name. While you are no longer earthside, you are still SUCH a part of our family.

In other exciting news, you're going to be in a book! Born Abel has a new book coming out in the near future: Born Abel: One in a Million-Unicorn Club. They posted a casting call and I was able to submit your picture and the form in time. I'm so excited to see how they illustrate you. Ryleigh is going to be so excited that it's a "Unicorn Club." 

While we've tried to find the joy these past two months, the grief is still very prevalent. I've made a journal that I write to you in, and that seems to help. However, when I do, the tears fall hard. Last week, I felt like I was being suffocated as I wrote. It's truly so surreal how physical grief can be, even 8+ weeks later. The grief pops up in other ways too.. At toddler time at the trampoline park, there were so many pregnant moms. Last time we were there, I was one of them. I tried to remember you can feel two feelings at one time to be sure I don't fall into the rut of jealousy. 

Another part of grief that I've had to work through is the obsessive thoughts. I was constantly replaying the day you were born and the day you died. I was constantly researching what causes postpartum hemorrhage and looking at every risk factor I had with both you and Oliver that would cause me to hemorrhage. I'd obsess over what our family will look like going forward. Are we meant to only have Ryleigh and Oliver earthside and you in our hearts? I would literally wake in the middle of the night and these thoughts would run through my head. Thankfully, they've lessened and aren't taking control as much as they have been. 

The last big thing this month was that I realized how much I wanted the pictures of your first breaths in color. My brain was trying to relive the moment in color, and then my pictures were in black and white. It was so hard to piece together. Thankfully, Chelsea continues to be so understanding and gave me the color photos of you. When I saw them, I cried happy tears. I was able to relive that moment and see you exactly how I remember. This one is my absolute favorite. It also solidified that just like Oliver, you were so fast that the nurses caught ya! 

Today, we celebrated you by stopping by your grave (it was rainy so it was a short visit). Your auntie and uncle decorated it and left some surprises your siblings to play with. Hopefully the next time we stop the weather will be better! Then we took Ry and O bowling! These days could be filled with tears and sadness (and believe me, there were..) but we choose to do fun things to honor you and celebrate you. 

I've continued this blog because my hope is that if another mom in a situation similar to ours comes across it, she feels support through all the stages. Through the unknowns of pregnancy, the joy & heartbreak of life and death and how they coexist. Our journey continues with you in our hearts, and we will push through one step at a time. 

We love you so much, sweet boy. Sending all our love to the skies.