One Month Old

Milo James, you're one month old today. We'd typically make a post about all the things you're doing and how you've grown. So to appease my momma heart, I took a picture with the bear Dad and I made with your heartbeat, the hat you wore that Grandma made you, and the blanket we had you in while you were with us. It's definitely not the same though. We wish you were here. 

This past month has been such a rollercoaster. We've had days where things feel so heavy, where we are all trying to process everything that happened, and days where it's not so heavy, and we found joy and laughter again. We spend a lot of time talking about you and celebrating you. Dad and I have had many visits out to the cemetery to see you, and I've had a couple little "visits" from you: the firefly in our yard, the monarch at the cemetery, the monarch at the mini-golf place today, and then when Oliver brought me one of his trains from his train table, and I flipped it over to see the name of it, and its name was James. 

I stumbled upon a BEAUTIFUL poem the other day by Andrea Gibson called "Love Letter from the Afterlife" and it really resonated with me, and gave me the reminder to look for Milo in everything. 

"Dying is the opposite of leaving. I want to echo it through the corridor of your temples, I am more with you than I ever was before. Do you understand? It was me who beckoned the stranger who caught you in her arms when you forgot not to order for two at the coffee shop. It was me who was up all night gathering sunflowers into your chest the last day you fears you would never again wake up feeling lighthearted. I know it's hard to believe, but I promise you it's the truth. I promise one day you will say it too--I can't believe I ever thought I could lose you." 

If you'd like to listen to the entire poem, read by Andrea before their passing you can listen to it here.

There have also been gut-punches that I didn't expect... The multiple letters we've gotten in the mail from the hospital, insurance companies, etc that say "Congratulations on your baby." or the birth certificate that came with "This person is deceased." written across the top. With every bit of heartbreak, I've found that our family leans in to one another which has been such a crucial piece to processing our grief, and healing. 

Today, we took time to celebrate you. Dad and I went on a lunch date, and then went and played mini-golf.. Something we haven't done since before Ryleigh was born. We picked up your siblings, visited you, and blew you some bubbles. It was nice to be at your "special spot" as we call it, and laugh and smile while Ryleigh and Oliver ran around. We ended our day with our daycare family which is always such a loving, supportive time. They have loved you and us in ways we would have never expected and are so grateful for. We couldn't ask for a better chosen family. 

On our Lunch Date 

Our visit with our boy. 

Thank you to our village for checking in, getting coffee, delivering meals, etc. We cannot say thank you enough. I especially am grateful for the meal train, as I'm in the midst of the postpartum/grief/trauma brain and I just cannot focus enough to get anything put together, so THANK YOU!

Now, because it's Milo's 1 month birthday (it's literally 10:15pm as I type this). I want to take some time to write out his birth story. It's something I did with Ryleigh, but never did with Oliver, and wished I had, so here's Milo's:

Milo's Birth Story--

As mentioned in my prior posts, the day before Milo's birth, my blood pressure was all over the place. I didn't feel great either, and was contemplating whether we should go in to triage or not. We had an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine the next morning at 8am, so we decided to wait it out and see what the doctor said. We spent the evening making sure all the plans for the kids were in place, that the car was packed with our suitcases, and a car seat (just in case). We spent our last night at home, and I realized that was the last time I had all my babies under our roof. 

The next morning, we dropped Ry and O off at daycare and hustled up to our appointment knowing it was unlikely we were coming home. We had our scan where you FINALLY showed us your sweet face, you opened your hands up so we saw all six fingers, and you passed your biophysical profile. The scan estimated you were around 7 lbs. We then met with the MFM doctor and he told us my BP was elevated so we should go to L&D to be evaluated further. So we did. 

They had me get gowned up and hooked up to monitors to see how things were going. My blood pressures all had numbers that were higher both in the top and bottom number, although it alternated. I was having some contractions, but nothing consistent or very strong. You were active, your heart was great, which was wonderful to see! My doctor came in and explained that I was in the early stages of preeclampsia. I also had preeclampsia with Ryleigh and had to be induced with pitocin, but also needed magnesium because my pressures were getting so high. Pitocin works to speed things up, and magnesium tries to slow things down so they are not the most ideal combination. Our doctor explained that if we move forward with an induction now, we wouldn't need the magnesium unless my BP would get higher. So we agreed to start with the induction process. 

The plan was to start with a Foley Balloon to get things started, but due to your positioning, they couldn't place it. So around 3:15pm they placed the Cyctotec, which is a pill to start the process. The contractions definitely picked up with more intensity, but just more like cramps. I was talking through them and overall doing fine! From the placement of the Cytotec until around 7, we just hung out. At 7pm, we had the next check and we were at 4cm, 80% effaced, and a -2 station. Our doctor was shocked at the progress we were making. He even said he was expected us to be at 1cm. We then called Chelsea up to be here for pictures. She joked that the doctor couldn't break my water until she was up there because of how fast Oliver came (when they broke my water with O, he was out 20 minutes later). I did actually tell my doctor that though, so he agreed to wait. He then got called into a c-section, so we had to wait a bit longer which I didn't mind. At 9:05pm the doctor broke my water. As that was happening, I was looking at your Dad and Chelsea when they both got a shocked look on their faces. They then explained that you must've given your all and kicked with both feet because they saw my stomach go straight up. Their reactions were quite comical, but they both said that was so cool to see. 

My texts to our doula and my sisters stopped around 9:15pm, so I think it's safe to say things started getting more intense. I asked Chelsea to check her photos to get me some timestamps because everything going forward is a bit of a blur. 

You were sitting pretty deep in my right side, so while the contractions were getting more consistent and intense, they weren't doing much because you weren't in an optimal position. The nurse had come in and suggested using the peanut ball for 15 minutes, so I rolled to my left side with the peanut ball between my legs. At around 9:58,I was having some more intense contractions, and by 10:05, they were pretty intense to the point where I needed to get up. I leaned on Josh and swayed for about 5 minutes. I then decided to get the yoga ball out again because that was what felt most comfortable. Josh gave hip squeezes which helped with the pressure, and Chelsea snapped a photo of that at 10:13pm. While on the yoga ball things got super intense and I realized you were coming. I told Chelsea to pull the cord in the bathroom while Chelsea told Josh to get me in the bed. Milo was born at 10:15pm. The nurses held you up so I could see you, I heard you try to make noise, I said "We did it Buddy!" and Daddy cut the cord. Then they got you to the warmer and started the interventions needed to help you survive. Your APGAR scores were 1 at 1 minute, 7 at 5 minutes, and 8 at 10 minutes. At 8 minutes, you were intubated and they then worked on getting you ready for transport to the NICU. 

I cannot believe it's been a month since I was sitting in that hospital room. I so vividly remember the pure joy to know you made it, and I'm forever grateful that you did. Your impact on this world has already been much bigger than many people, but know that we are going to continue to make an impact. The next step is advocating for moms/families of loss by helping provide feedback to support them on this journey that no one expects themselves to be on. I know there will be more to come too. Our boy is too special to not honor in so many ways! 

Thank you for loving our boy, and our family.