One Week Old

 Milo James,

One week ago today, to the minute I'm typing this, you were working your way into this world. The doctor had just broken your water, and labor immediately got more intense. Within one hour, you'd be earthside, after 37 weeks of being a part of me. 

I keep replaying the moment you were here, and all I keep thinking is how I said, "We did it, Buddy." I am so, so proud of you. You fought through so many obstacles to make it earthside and I keep looking through the pictures of your first moments, where it shows just how hard you fought. 


Now, it's my turn to fight and push forward. This week has been the hardest week of my life. There's been so many moments where I've said, "You should be here." There's been many tears that hit randomly. They've ranged from watching your dad play with your siblings to seeing a book on the shelf at Walmart. My heart so badly wants you here and aches knowing that in two days, we will lay you to rest. Your dad and I found the perfect spot for you though. As we drove through different cemeteries, we just knew we needed the best spot for our perfect little boy. The spot we picked ends up shaded by trees around midday, so if we come to spend time with you, it's the perfect shady spot. 

Your siblings miss you too. Ryleigh is trying her absolute best to come to terms with everything. She was so ready to be your big sister. She has her Milo photo album that has all the pictures of you, and our family in it. She loves flipping through it and looking at you. Today, she's been saying how she hopes your heart gets better so you can come home. I hate having to re-break her heart every time and explain that you'll never come home. She will say you're with Grandpa Dave, which I'm sure is true, but she doesn't understand it. Keep watching over her, and don't be afraid to stop by and say "Hi" as I'm sure she'd love a visitor. Oliver points to your picture every time he sees it and says "Baby!" which shows how much he loves and misses you too. 

If I'm honest, my anxiety is through the roof surrounding your funeral. Am I going to be strong enough for your siblings? Will Ryleigh understand what's happening? Did I do enough to make it as special as you are? Will I be able to handle goodbye? I truly do not know the answers... I hope I'm doing things right for all three of you, and your dad. I just don't know. All I know is that I love all of you so much and I will continue to go to the ends of the earth for you. 

Milo, the last thing I want to tell you, is thank you. Your life, despite being earthside for 17 hours, has made a difference in so many lives. You've brought an awareness to Trisomy 13, something many have not heard of until your diagnosis. You've brought together a village around our family that is unlike anything we could have ever imagined. You've inspired others to fight for things they believe in. You've taught doctors that you were more than your diagnosis. You've brought our family closer than ever. You, a sweet, perfect, miracle baby, have done all those things, and I'm so eternally grateful and proud to be your Momma. 

I love you, baby boy. 


If you're interested in reading Milo's obituary, you can find that here. 


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