Maternity Photos and All the Feelings

Shortly after I made my last blog post, Chelsea (with Chelsea May Photography) posted a sneak peek of our spur of the moment maternity photos. We are in LOVE. There's something about the sun peeking through, and the white dress that just makes all of it feel so personal. He's such a pure, innocent, ray of sunshine in our lives already. 

Check out the sneak peek!! 

There were some great ones of our family too, which truly captured the essence of us. 

Today, we got my primary OB care switched over to another OB I've seen before, but he's now in Wausau. Thankfully, this eliminates a stressor because now if we would have any complications or if Milo would decide to make his presence sooner than anticipated, we could go to Wausau where there's a NICU, whereas Rapids does not have the NICU capabilities we need for Milo. It's bittersweet though, because I absolutely love the doctor I was seeing.

We also got Ryleigh in with a therapist so we can start navigating how to have these tricky conversations with her. I really am so grateful for all the people in my life who helped get us connected to her! I'm hoping this way, if we need to talk about some really hard stuff, she has more support in her corner. She definitely loves Milo so much (we all do!), that I want to help her work through any of the many outcomes we could face. 

While these things are starting to come together, grief hit in another way tonight. If you know me well enough, you know I am a planner. I need to know the big picture, and what life looks like down the line... When we were pregnant with Oliver, we knew we wanted one more baby. Our plan was always three or four, but we ultimately landed on three. When we found out we were pregnant with Milo, we talked about how this is the first of the "lasts" which was something I knew I needed to be mentally prepared for. 

Tonight, I was playing with Oliver as I was putting his PJs on. Suddenly, I was hit with a wave of emotions realizing that many of Oliver's "firsts" may have also been some of my "lasts" but I didn't recognize that in the moment because we anticipated having another child. We know that Milo will likely face many challenges in his life, and with his diagnosis, have a cognitive development of a toddler, at most. I fully embrace this and acknowledge that this is our reality, and allows for many different types of milestones, but simultaneously I am grieving the "lasts" as a mom that I didn't realize may have already happened. 

I know there are so many unknowns, and I'm trying to be more comfortable in them. However, I wanted to share the reality of my struggles so if any others are in a situation similar to mine, they know that their feelings are valid, and the grief comes in waves. 

That being said, these feelings do not diminish the love we have for our sweet Milo. They are just some of the many different feelings that come with a diagnosis that changes everything. He continues to do somersaults in my belly, and as I told Ryleigh, that's his way of saying he loves us! He's currently wiggling as I type this. :) 

Milo, we love you so much, and we are so grateful for all the time we are getting with you. Keep proving how strong you are and continue to defy the odds.