Our Miracle, Milo

Today is the last day of July, which is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month. It also happens to be exactly six weeks since Milo left us.  Grief is not linear. In fact, it feels like riding a rollercoaster with a blindfold on. Some days, we are at the peak. Others, we are at the valleys. The rest are a mix between climbing out of the trenches or plummeting to the depths.  I'm grateful for all the resources our family has had access to: counseling, meal trains, books on grief, time off, family time, and more. These things have been absolutely necessary in these past six weeks, which I firmly believe is why we are starting to find our new 'normal.'  In these past six weeks, I have had to do things I would never imagine. From sitting at a funeral home picking out a casket at 5 days postpartum amidst baby blues, to explaining over and over again to a 3.5 year old why her brother will never come home, to sitting in a monument shop picking out which headstone we want for Milo for e...

Milo James, you're one month old today. We'd typically make a post about all the things you're doing and how you've grown. So to appease my momma heart, I took a picture with the bear Dad and I made with your heartbeat, the hat you wore that Grandma made you, and the blanket we had you in while you were with us. It's definitely not the same though. We wish you were here.  This past month has been such a rollercoaster. We've had days where things feel so heavy, where we are all trying to process everything that happened, and days where it's not so heavy, and we found joy and laughter again. We spend a lot of time talking about you and celebrating you. Dad and I have had many visits out to the cemetery to see you, and I've had a couple little "visits" from you: the firefly in our yard, the monarch at the cemetery, the monarch at the mini-golf place today, and then when Oliver brought me one of his trains from his train table, and I flipped it ove...

Happy Due Date, Milo.  When we first found out we were pregnant, like most couples, the first thing we did was calculate your due date. It was so exciting to see your estimated date of 7-8-25. You were due just one month and a day before your brother. I never would have expected that I'd spend your due date at your gravesite.  It's hard to believe that it's been almost 3 weeks since you came into this world. These past three weeks have flown by, and simultaneously gone by in slow motion.  I replay the day you were born, and the 17 hours of your life, over and over in my mind. Did we do the right things? How could I have prevented the hemorrhaging? Why didn't I take more pictures/videos? Should we have called family up sooner? On, and on. My brain doesn't really stop when it comes to those two days. We said from early on, you'd tell us what you need, and you did, but my momma heart still wants to save you.  As it goes with grief, we've had our days. It ebbs a...